Saturday, December 31, 2016

Puppy pics and weight




Here are some pics of our new "baby" - my son has chosen his name: Taizer.

I can't wait to see how he grows up and what he looks like eventually.

Yesterday was a nice busy day and so I only ate one meal. I had coffee and a few bites of food, but only ate lunch properly. And so this morning I am down on the scale again: 51.4kg. So basically I practiced calorie restriction, which reportedly is full of health benefits too, according to all research.

I even went for a run yesterday, because I FELT like it. I have noticed that when I eat less or feel lighter, I tend to want to exercise. If I feel heavy and over-full then I don't want to exercise.

Tonight is the last night of 2016. Here's to a whole new year.

I definitely feel blessed even though 2016 was hard.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Fitness Diary and how to lose weight

Wednesday 28th December 2016
My weight this morning before my BM (bowel movement) - 51.9kg.
I have picked up the 900 gms I lost from my fast. Not too bad, I'd say. After Christmas I thought I would have picked up more weight.

Waist: 66.8cm/67cm. Somewhere there. It's hard to always get the tension on the tape correct.

My brother sent me a very interesting message last night. He is asking my help in devising a weight loss diet plan. Now he is a runner. He ran Comrades last year at such a light weight, I don't know for sure that he can lose any more. But maybe he has picked up weight now and needs to lose again.

Here's what I know for sure about weight loss - this is my own experience and not necessarily what will work for others: you have to be willing to make friends with hunger. You have to allow your body to FEEL hungry and you have to ignore that feeling for some of the time. Not that you can't eat, but in order to tap into your own body fat, you need to allow hunger. That is the only way.

Feel hunger, don't feed the hunger, then your body has no choice but to burn it's body fat.

Now this could be cutting calories. By calories, I just mean, cutting back a bit on food. Or it could mean some sort of fasting schedule.

Here is what I have seen in my own body with low carb - I can keep a constant healthy weight, but I don't drop weight if I am simply eating low carb. To drop weight lower than my body wants, I have to cut out some incoming food. It could be cutting out fat, total food, or both.

So when I eat low carb, I stay around 52kg. It's great. But the fat on my butt is THERE and unless I do something different, it won't budge. To lose that fat, I would need to drop about 2kg of body fat, and in order to do that, I would have to GET HUNGRY. I am sorry to say that but it's true.

Now, here is the thing this last 36 hour fast taught me: hunger is not the same as low blood sugar. Low blood sugar is like a crisis. It feels like a crisis to me, I get all hot and cold, shaky and sometimes even sweaty. But hunger is not a crisis at all. I can ignore it. I can carry on. In fact, that day of my fast, I felt brilliant and clear headed and my mood was improved. Go figure.

I want to fast again, but I am not sure about one thing: why did my blood sugar drop so low the next day? And were my ketones elevated enough to see me through? Is that safe? Would I have been ok if I had carried on? I didn't feel delirious but I did feel a bit weak. Could I have pushed myself through? Probably yes.

My blood sugar this morning read 5 mml. Higher than I would have imagined.

Thursday 29th December 2016

My blood sugar was much better this morning: 4.4ml. And yet, oddly enough, I ate a piece of cake yesterday afternoon. But my weight is up. 52.6kgs.

I have bad cake cravings lately.

Not chocolate cravings, but CAKE cravings.

And now, today I am so excited as I am about to meet this little guy: my new pup to be. These pics are from the breeder. The pup is coming on the plane from Jhb today. Gosh I can't wait.








Tuesday, December 27, 2016

A new furbaby, a great Christmas and a wonderful holiday

I am excitedly awaiting yet another puppy. Seems like I tend to always get one around December/Christmas time.

This one is a French bulldog - very hard to get one - and I was in luck because the breeder I have inquired with happens to have TWO huge litters and they have many male pups available so we got this pup at a very good price. So the transaction is now in progress and I wait for the flight to get the pup on.

I want to fast again. Christmas was too much nice food, of course, and a little too much alcohol. I need a detox. Our one guest, my mother's good friend Denise, has done a five day fast years ago and she says it wasn't that bad. She has given me hope that I CAN do a longer fast. I will try a two day one next.

The weather is so lovely these days. Summer is HERE.

I haven't weighed myself. I will do so tomorrow.

I am dreading having to illustrate. I am hating illustrating nowadays. The joy and the life has been sucked out of it. I have so many to do nowadays.

I am discovering a new doctor and his views: Dr. Joel Wallach. You can find loads of his videos on youtube. Here is a link to another talk by him.

Dr. Wallach has written a few books, his most famous being Dead Doctors Don't Lie. He is quite controversial and yet something about the way he talks and a lot of what he says makes a lot of sense. Check him out this other book of his on Amazon too.

I am very content. It's so nice to reach a place in my life where I feel calm and content. I am no longer searching for something. I still enjoy new things and nice things, but I feel so much more settled. Getting older is wonderful for this.

Ok, now for my BIG NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION: I aim to NOT buy any clothes for a whole year. No new clothes. I will allow a few shoes IF they are very super practical.

The reason is twofold: one, to allow me to afford this new puppy. Two: to save. If I save money every time I think about buying clothes, our family could go on holiday. Obviously, we want to do that. I am going to open a savings pocket/account and do that.

I made it through my first Christmas without my dad. It was not easy, but it was not that hard either. The fact that he and I were not super close does actually help me to move on. And the fact that I have my own family and my own child also helps. Keeping busy helps.

I wonder if I can stick to not buying clothes for a WHOLE year?

Well, I am putting it in writing here for this very reason. So let's see. Wish me luck.

I have noticed something with eating and fasting: the more I eat, the more I want to eat. The less I eat, the less I want to. Interesting.


Friday, December 23, 2016

After my one day fast: interesting conclusions

My weight today: 51.1kg.

I haven't regained the 900gms I lost. I thought I would have. I ate yesterday and I didn't restrict myself. Which leads me to conclude that it wasn't all water that I lost. I also at (horror of horror) a few carbs - a few bites of a rich, melty, chocolatey dessert and a few handfuls of popcorn. I even drank yesterday - just two drinks - alcohol.

I still slept well last night. But not as comatose as before.

And this morning my coffee tastes bitter and I don't want it.

I thought that it only tasted bitter or "funny" yesterday morning due to the fact that I had only put very little milk in it, but this morning, I added more milk, and the bitter taste was still there.

The fast may have cured me of my coffee habit! Hooray.

I don't want to eat this morning. So I will fast until I really, really feel like eating.

Interestingly, yesterday I didn't go crazy with food as you would think one would do after a day of no food. I actually enjoyed my food more, didn't want too much and felt satisfied.

So today, seeing as I have only had one tiny sip of coffee, I will not eat. Maybe only supper. Who knows. Or not. But I feel like the fasting has given me back some sense of being in touch with my body.

Biggest lesson: I WON'T die of hunger pangs and they pass very very quickly, within 10 minutes. And when they come back, they are less, not more. The other lesson is that low blood sugar is far worse than simply feeling hungry.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Day 2 of fasting

Yesterday during my fast I felt GREAT most of the day. Hungry now and then, yes. A little cold at times, yes. But my energy was constant, and best of all, by the evening, I felt crystal clear. I felt good.

And I slept SO WELL last night. And my nose/sinuses cleared up a lot. I could feel it especially at night.

I have lost 900gms on the scale, but my waist measurement is the same - in fact a little up. Could be gas/bloating. So this morning my weight is 51kg.

I have this stubborn belly fat that I would ideally like to get rid of.

This morning I tested my blood sugar and it's LOW. 2.9 mml.

I don't feel so good. I feel a little of the low blood sugar effects.

Maybe I should break my fast now, eat, and then resume it. Feeling so bad is not nice and I have to go food shopping. I am super tempted now to break it. Oddly enough, I don't feel hungry, I just feel a strong desire to eat. I think I will eat today, and perhaps try to fast again tomorrow.


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Fasted thoughts - day 1

It's now 11 am, and I have only had my morning coffee, and NOTHING else. I am sipping slowly on a can of soda water - the bubbles are nice.

A few things I observed: last night when I got those intense hunger pangs, I then grew cold afterwards. Also, hunger pangs only last a few minutes.

I just had a surge of hunger pangs but they have already passed.

I seem, oddly, more productive today than other days. It seems easier to just get on with things without intrusive food thoughts. My food thoughts are usually around what I will eat, what I did eat, what I am going to make for supper etc. This is freeing in that way.

I also notice how addicted to eating I am, even on low carb. I wake up, nibble, drink two cups of coffee (which is still a form of a snack) then I make breakfast, then I have coffee later...then I eat, then I might have coffee and grab a handful of nuts. Then I force myself to make it through till supper which I cook...it's never ending. I often pop a bit of whatever Seth's eating, into my mouth too. He eats often so I am always making or preparing or thinking about food. It's never ending.

I also notice how, if I am productive and busy on LESS food then maybe food in general nowadays is too addictive. I think eating out has become too much of a habit. Food should probably be boring and bland for the most part. Imagine living out on a farm where your farm provides the food - your own eggs, your own milk, your own meat and veggies. It would be the same food over and over. No sugar and salt to make it more exciting. Restaurants and food manufacturers certainly have us all hooked!

It's not easy. I am getting cravings. But they are manageable.

I was queueing in the bank to get a certified proof of my banking details for my late dad's estate, and I was marvelling at how free my mind was, and how clear-headed I felt. Normally I get super irate in a queue, but not this time.

Time seems slower - or rather, there seems MORE of it. Maybe due to the abundance of time when you are not constantly centering your day around food.

I love how much I learn about food, eating and myself when I fast. I am sure I will make it through today. I am feeling good. My calves are a bit crampy - but I FEEL like exercising. Can you believe that? I think I will go for a walk.

Day 1 of fasting - not so fast!

Well day 1 turned out to be just caloric restriction and not real fasting. Why?

Because I had such a bad night's sleep the night before, that I woke up really grumpy and tired, and that lack of sleep made me hungry! So I decided to load up on a fatty breakfast, which helped me feel better, and I thought I would fast from there. However, I got super hungry and irritable around 11ish, and I was getting irritable with my child, so I decided to eat something small, which I did. I felt instantly better,

I then ate a bit of bacon again at 2 and then I kept supper very small.

In the night, I woke up with intense hunger pangs - I was really feeling them! I ignored them and tried to go back to sleep, which I did eventually.

So this morning I would have thought I would have been groggy/grumpy/hungry but I am not. I feel as if I have more energy than I normally do in the morning, which is weird. I have had just one cup of coffee with a little cream and milk and that is it.

I hope to go through the whole of today with no food.

Interestingly, I feel a touch leaner today, but the scale is a teeny bit heavier this morning than yesterday, which I find very hard to explain.

I feel "stiffer" this morning, but that is not serious.

But my mind is clearer and sharper this morning, definitely.

Wish me luck. I am wishing myself luck.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

I want to fast

I really am getting convinced by the book I am currently reading, The Complete Guide to Fasting by Dr Fung and Jimmy Moore, that I should try an extended fast for health and longevity.

However, my fears/issues are these:

1) My morning cuppa. I LOVE my morning cup of coffee. Technically I am not really meant to have it whilst fasting. I wonder though, if I could do my own version of fasting where I just have that one cup in the morning if I really, really feel like I must. Well, it's MY fast, I can do what I like.

2) Cooking for my family. How am I going to make and prepare food for others when I will NOT be eating? Yikes.

3) I am terrified of cramping. Happened to me before.

Yesterday I ate the leftovers and finished my fancy wine off, so I wouldn't be tempted by those. I had a bad night's sleep last night, so I am going to have a fatty breakfast now to give me energy and to satisfy me and I will start my fast.

I really am just curious. I'd like to also fast BEFORE Christmas day where food will be plenty and we all eat too much.

I imagine that, spiritually, fasting will be interesting.

Today my weight was 51.7kg on my scale in the morning.

Monday, December 19, 2016

Blessed. And a bit of fitness update.

Waist: 66cm this morning. Ok, 66.2cm, to be EXACT.

That's a 2cm drop!

And yet my thigh measurement has stayed the same. So I have not lost muscle there. Or fat, it would seem.

Best part is that I took the waist measurement before I even went to the toilet this morning, if you know what I mean.

My weight on my home scale: 52.2kg - also before my morning bowel movement.

Low carb diets definitely eliminate most bloating. There is still some bloating and some gas, of course there is, but for the most part, eating low carb keeps my tummy flat.

Today I get my son back. I miss him now. Although the break has been nothing short of REVITALISING.

The weather is so sunny and summery all of a sudden these past few days. The sun is out and it's hot already at six am.

I feel so blessed. I AM so blessed. I have a huge, nicely renovated house. I have three lovely dogs that are all lying at my feet as I sit and type this. I have aircon! We have a swimming pool and a Jojo tank and a garden and birds singing outside. We have SPACE.

I know my luck, I know my blessings, and it's a wonderful feeling. Really it is.

I haven't really exercised much at all lately. By which I mean, I haven't gone into the gym much at all lately. Their aircon is not working or they are just trying to save money, I don't know, but there is not ever any aircon there and in this heat, it's ridiculous.

I am currently reading: The Complete Guide to Fasting: Dr Jason Fung and Jimmy Moore.
I have tried fasting and didn't really like it. One day of fasting and I was so slowed up at gym that I scraped my leg against a machine, and that scrape has created scarring internally and it hasn't healed up properly and looks like a big bruise on my leg still. That pissed me off. Also, the one day I fasted, I got bad cramps.

I believe that the real benefits of fasting come after a longer fast, say, five days or seven days. The benefits appear when your ketones rise up high. I don't know if I could do more that two days. It's possible, but who knows. When you are as small as I am, should you fast?

I am now curious about doing extended fasting because according to Dr. Thomas Seyfried, it's a way of preventing cancer. He also wrote a hugely expensive, voluminous book on cancer as a metabolic disease too. Plus there are many You Tube videos by him.

I don't know if I will actually fast, but it's something that is floating around in my mind. I don't want to lose much weight, and so, to be honest, I am a little scared that I am too light and not fat enough to fast. Lol. I will see. I will definitely keep you all updated if I do decide to fast.

On a side note: I have been making and drinking kefir lately, but it gets really tiring making it every day or every other day. I am far too lazy! Also, it really is sour, so it's not a pleasant thing to drink. So I will eat the grains, and be done.


Sunday, December 18, 2016

A night out, restaurant food and dancing.

Last night my darling love and I went out for dinner, and then a bit of a "jol". I am definitely getting a bit too old to "jol" (I love that word, so South African!) but I enjoyed myself.

We went to one restaurant to eat but it was too noisy, so we simply finished our drink, paid, and left. I don't feel shy anymore to move on if I am not enjoying my time. The benefits of getting older! Yay.

We went elsewhere, had a nice meal, and then went to dance. We ended up staying out not too late, we were home at ten thirty, but it was lovely. All round good evening. It's nice every now and then to dress up, put heels on, and focus on your partner.

So yes, I probably ate bad seed oil and I am sure there was some hidden sugars and starches in my meal out even though I ordered it without the starch, but heck, you gotta live.


Saturday, December 17, 2016

Child free, stress and weight loss

Today is day two and a half of being without my son. He has gone to stay at my mother's house for four nights. It's so cute. He is finally old enough for that.

And I love him with all my heart and soul, but I have needed this break. I am LOVING the peace and quiet. You just don't get quiet and calmness like this with a kid in the house.

I am waking up at my leisure, and enjoying my morning cuppa alone, with no little voice asking me for this or that.

The first evening of being alone was TOTAL BLISS. And by "being alone" I mean, me and my partner were home alone. I wasn't totally alone.

But to have adult time, real alone adult time, is bliss.

I cannot thank my mother enough.

It just shows me how stressed out I have been and how much I needed to unwind. I can actually feel all my insides "melting" with relaxation. I never knew I could be this relaxed in my house. My house seems like a place of work to me - usually - but now it feels peaceful.

Gosh, having a child is hard work. It's lovely, and rewarding and all that jazz, but a break really is so super valuable. So super wonderful.

It feels as if the reduction in stress levels has healed something inside of me. It feels, deep within, that unwinding like this has allowed my gut to heal, to unknot, or something like that. I can't explain it. I can almost feel that cortisol is going down. Has gone down.

I have had time to READ UNINTERRUPTED! That alone is a miracle.

I even had an afternoon nap yesterday. My love and I even watched TWO age-restricted movies - yay us! Tonight we'll go out for a leisurely dinner and see where the evening takes us.

You forget, in the chaos of a kid, how relaxing life CAN be. A child is a BALL of energy, and at this age, my son is a non-stop stream of chatter and questions and activity. Which I am so grateful for, because he is normal and healthy and has an inquiring mind but boy oh boy...this calmness is amazing!!!!

I can even HEAR the birds properly outside. I have more time to pet the dogs.

I haven't weighed myself but I swear I have lost a kg from sheer relaxation.

I am currently eating very low carb. Mostly keeping away from sweeteners, but I have had a few sugar-free, artificially sweetened carbonated drinks seeing as it is so hot outside and I haven't felt like coffee.

Currently reading: Caffeine Blues about the hidden dangers of caffeine. I love my coffee, I really do. I have considered cutting down, but I like the ritual of having a cuppa. And I am not sure what I would replace it with. I love sipping on something. Anyway, it's an interesting read.


Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Let's talk about varicose veins and low carb.

This summer, I am suddenly noticing how swollen and painful mine are.

I can't quite recall last summer, but nothing jumps out in my mind. Last summer I was Banting and low carb-ing it properly.

Is there a connection here?

For interests' sake, read this article here - the author seems to get relief when she cuts out sugar, and the comments are very interesting too. Sugar causes inflammation, we all know that by now. So there is definitely a common sense notion that cutting out sugar will help.

Now, from what I have read, spider veins are just smaller versions of varicose veins - veins where the elasticity of the vein wall has been compromised.

I developed my varicose veins directly after pregnancy - SO I know where mine came from. But now I am getting the odd one or two more - and the odd one or two more spider veins. So of course, I want to prevent more from developing, if possible, and I want to stop them being so painful.

The other day I was unpacking boxes of stuff, and the varicose vein on my left calf started to really ache. It was a hot day and I had been on my feet a lot. It sucks, they make me feel like an old, old woman. I mean, really, what fit girl needs to go lie down and put her feet up to rest her varicose veins? Me, that's who!

Image from Butter Nutrition

No amount of exercise will get rid of them either. The exercise does help with the blood circulation, but other than that, I am stuck with them for life. I have already had a procedure on them where the doctor went in and collapsed down the tubes feeding them, but it seems the flow is back to them. I'd like to have them removed, but to do so, they need to make small cuts in my leg, and I am not quite ready to face that yet. Maybe by the time they are bad there will be laser options for varicose veins. I know there are laser options for spider ones.


Interestingly, my mother, who I have taken after A LOT in many ways, doesn't have a single varicose vein, and to my knowledge, no spider veins either. Or very few.

So even though mine are pregnancy-related, I wonder if the chocolates and carbs I ate back then (I didn't know any better) contributed to my getting them? I will never know. I can not go back in time, unfortunately, and change my diet, but I CAN see if eating low carb now will help.

Here is another article that suggests that diet can help.

So let me notice my veins now. The last two days I have been very strict low carb and once again, I have immediate relief from bloating. And my weight is down. I know they say it's water weight, but it's still nice to see.

I will report on my veins soon.



Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Where my head is at now, nutritionally speaking. And Ann Childers.

Firstly, sorry for not staying with the diet and exercise Fitness Diary. I was going to give it my all, go balls to the wall and try to build muscle and get ripped...well....yeah....no.

This year has been too long, and with the death of my dad this year, I don't know what the heck I was thinking. I don't think I have fully processed that yet. I have had my tears, had my cries, but now and then I still get a weird feeling...a pain, a lump in my throat, and I know that I haven't dealt with it properly.

Anyway, so after the boat cruise, where I ate too much nonsense and drank WAY too many cocktails, I came home a total wreck.

I am still not right. I am sick now, in fact. I got a bad bought of thrush, which I am still battling.

After our housewarming this past weekend, and my friends' Christmas gathering, where carbs were very available, I am not in good shape. I now have a cold as well.

So now I want to go back to a semi-strict low carb diet. Get all that sugar out of my system. And I know I cannot do it whilst cutting back on fat. There is no way. If I go low-fat then I start to crave carbs and sugar. It just happens.

And I am now at an age where I am tired of fighting my body.

I am tired of the struggle to "push" myself. I may want to get back into gym and be keen for all that again next year, but not right now.

So yesterday I watched an EXCELLENT VIDEO by Dr Ann Childers on You Tube. Click on the link and be amazed. Basically it reminded me of why low carb makes SO much sense to me. It really does. There is nothing else that makes such intuitive sense, nutritionally speaking. Carbs really are cheap, nasty garbage.

I traced back in my mind to when I fell of the low carb wagon, and it is definitely the death of my dad. I ate a cupcake at my dad's funeral. And it all went pear-shaped, or sugar shaped, from there. The next day I went out for caramel cheesecake. And on and on. Because my overwhelming thoughts at that time were: "Who cares? I am gonna die anyway. Look at my dad. Just died one day suddenly."

But after three months of this bad attitude, I am sick, I don't feel well, and paying the price now. So I am teaching myself, by my own very bad example, of what sugar and refined carbs do. And let me say something else, sugar is VERY addictive. I am really battling to get off of the sugar train at the moment.

But I will and I must.


Friday, December 9, 2016

General thoughts and feelings lately

I feel like I don't want to compete on stage anymore. I feel like it's a useless pursuit for me. I just don't have the genetics, I am very skinny on top and very muscled and chunky in my legs and I don't have what they look for.

Also, I am losing that passion/drive/competitive edge for ME wanting to do it.I am just starting to reach a point of accepting that I am the way I am, I am aging and nothing will stop that, and what is the POINT of parading up on a stage?

Well, I have certainly enjoyed it. I love being scared and challenged by something. But I am now 38, at an age where I probably should give this up.

Maybe I just feel that way now because it's holidays and my son is home and I am not in my usual routine and I am finally RELAXING for the first time this year.

I will see how I feel in the New Year.

I am settled in my relationship now with my ex-husband and soon-to-be husband again. Well, we don't know if we will marry again, but we have talked about it. Oddly enough this is the BEST our relationship has ever been!

I mean, we have made it through renovating a house WHILST living in the house! If that wasn't putting a strain on our relationship I don't know what is.

We are at such a good place, I also don't feel I need to chase anything, or prove anything anymore, so maybe this is why I don't feel the need to get up on stage?

I finally, FINALLY believe that he will love me even with my ever more wrinkles and soon-to-be saggy skin. I have not believed that before. I don't think I believed he really REALLY loved me until we reconciled, but now I do.

I think before, I believed he loved an image of me, an idea of me, but not the REAL me. Things are so different now and so very wonderful. I am in a very good place emotionally, and yes, I need a rest, but it's ok, rest will come. Rest IS coming.

I feel very blessed and lucky and I know it. That is the best part. I am not taking ANY of my life and my joy right now for granted. I know my good fortune and I am soaking it up. And I am happy even though my tummy is not as firm as it once was. Happiness really is an inside job.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

I love Elizabeth Berg

Now that I have officially taken a break from gym and not going in regularly (went yesterday and did a short little workout) I am taking time out to "smell" the flowers, and appreciate other aspects of life. Life is good.

I am relaxing.

It's also relaxing now that my child doesn't have to get to school (it's holidays), so we are not rushing anywhere in the mornings.

I wish I could remain this relaxed and chilled.

I usually find that most mornings, I am shouting. A lot. My poor kid. But now I am unwinding a bit, and truly realising how stressed I have actually been, I am not shouting any more. I don't want to shout at him. I hope I can stop being dragon morning mom next year.

I finally found a book of Elizabeth Berg's that I had not read, a collection of short pieces by her from her social media sites, and I feel SO much more Zen.

I need to be more Zen.



Tuesday, December 6, 2016

And THIS is why I should not consume sugar! Reminder to myself.


Tongue thrush!

Yip, it's the white growth thing at the back of my tongue. Disgusting hey?

It hurt too.

So my trip on the boat with all that sugar and my after-boat sugar indulgences have added up to a major boat of tongue thrush. It was a bit painful.

It's clearing up now. I tried the tongue drops but they didn't work at all! Ironically, the tongue drop medication contained...yip...sugar! Crazy hey?

So I took a tablet as well - one of those that kill off all the fungus.

I also have a few extra kgs to get rid of now too.

Eish. I should NEVER have gone back to the sugar side.

Yes it gave me "energy" but it's a false energy.

In all honesty though, I have also been HIGHLY stressed with the renovations and our moving back across into our home. So stress has played a huge role.

Also, too much alcohol on the boat.

I am so over sugar and alcohol. Why I even bother to have the stuff, I don't know. But stress will make you reach for stuff like that to cope.

I just want to get back to eating clean. I will.

I have lost gym motivation now.

My body is changing. Getting older. Looser.

I am not sure I want to compete again. I don't know. I will see.

But for now, no more sugar. I am scared of cramping again, but let's see. I know that I don't have to eat sugar to prevent cramps, just a few natural carbs.

Mostly I need to relax. My body has been so stressed lately. No wonder my weight went up.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Middle aged!!!!!

I am a middle aged woman!

I know this sounds crazy, but somehow, that realization has only sunk in now.

At the very ripe middle age of 38.

I know that 60 somethings will laugh, and say "Oh honey,  you're SO young!" but what I mean now is that...I am NOT twenty something anymore. I feel like I am in my twenties. Guys, I am NOT.

I can't escape it. I am trying to fight back the aging process all I can, but it's catching me. On my neck/throat/upper chest area, the area that gets all the sun...I have so much sun damage. Spots and crepey skin starting. Ugh.

On my knees, when I stretch, the skin there is getting thin and wrinkly. It's even starting to show a bit on my arms.

There is really no such thing as anti-aging. Yes, we can look GOOD for our age, but we all age. A woman can Botox the crap out of her face (and I intend to, if I have the financial ability) but her other body parts will still age. A woman's hands ALWAYS give away her age. I always notice that. Sometimes the feet too.

I am also getting those white spots - little spots of no pigment at all on my body - along with those little, teeny red spots - those surface broken veins. Not to mention my huge ass varicose veins that are so yuk in my legs.

I can gym all I want, but these things will always happen.

Sad but true.

Although maybe not sad. Maybe it's part of letting go. Maybe it's the way God/nature forces us (me) to stop being so superficial. To stop judging myself and others based on their looks. Oh, I try NOT to judge based on looks. I try to look deeper, but sometimes I catch myself being caught up in superficiality. It's the modern world and the modern way. It's because of screens and photoshop and photo-shoots.

We hardly ever look at REAL people anymore, so much time do we spend looking at the Facebook images of our friends and family. Crazy shit hey?

Well, I am going to TRY to accept my age. I do worry that my man will find me gross, will think "ugh she's aging" and no longer want me. But I think he and I have come far enough now to know that he does love me and he isn't that shallow. But of course there is the fear anyway.

However, I don't want to live my life in fear of that. That is not a healthy energy to bring into a relationship. That fear is part of the energy that destroyed us.

So from now on, no more fear.

I am proudly, boldly 38 and if I look my age, then so be it. If I look my age, that's great because that IS my age.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Since our 3 night boat cruise...

I have been SO tired. I have been exhausted and flat and tired. I can't get motivated. I don't want to gym. I don't want to do anything.

I haven't been to gym. I have run, so that's something, and I have done push-ups.

Today is Seth's last day at school for the year. My little boy has finished Grade 1! I can't believe it.

On the boat I went cocktail crazy - which spiraled me into a sugar craze - sugar is definitely addictive.

I then ate cake like crazy - at a whole huge piece of Mugg n Bean carrot cake in one sitting - gave myself tongue thrush. Huge white growth on my tongue which I had to get treatment for.

Ugh.

I feel finished. With my dad's death this year, it has thrown me.